Just scream
by Draconian Elflord
Summary: A strange little poem by the POV of Shinji staged during the Instrumentality in End of Evangelion. Much angst. Formatting is a little screwy, sorry. There's a challenge in this fic. Rating for light language, questionable symbolism, and general angst. Ple


Disclaimer: There's no way in hell I could ever possibly own Evangelion.  
There's no way I could ever possibly own any of the characters, episodes,  
or anything. There's no way in hell I could ever even own a single square  
of single tape of Evangelion masterpiece. If I had, I would probably bow  
down and worship myself. But I don't, thankfully. I don't want to be  
egotistical. So, in a way, it is indeed a good thing that I don't own any  
part of Evangelion. There's already too many egoists in the world.  
A/N: One thing I always put in my fics for my own fragile ego's sake, even  
though I really don't think it applies here. I am not a plot Nazi. Most of  
the plot I will keep as I see supports a fic, but I do not feel afraid to  
change or alter other parts of it to better support the fic. Please don't  
flame me for plot reasons.  
2nd A/N: Okay, then. One more thing before we get started. This poem, as  
you would have probably figured out easily, is from the POV of none other  
than Shinji Ikari himself. However, I have somewhat of a challenge, for  
those of you who want to take it. I want to hear your opinions on who or  
what Shinji this poem may be to, or in other words, to what party it is  
addressed.  
  
Just scream  
You . . .  
You put me here  
You made me this way  
You drove me crazy  
Pushed me over the edge  
The point of no return  
You could give me no answers  
You made me sick  
Brought me crashing to the floor  
Shattered to a million pieces  
Of broken crayons  
You made me hurt  
You made me weak  
You made me this way  
I hate you  
I am me  
I drove myself to the depths of hell  
Martyred myself on a thousand crosses  
I drove you away from me  
Invisible walls of glass  
You begging to be let in  
Reaching through the bars  
As I sat on the other side grinning oddly  
I dug my own grave  
Of simple white death  
My own little world of nothing  
I am nothing  
I drove myself to the depths of hell and back  
I hate myself  
So I just screamed  
For the love of whatever God exists  
From this private hell  
Shattering in a million pieces  
Of mirrors falling to the ground  
Screamed that no one could hear me  
No one could see me  
No one even wants to know  
No one would reach out to touch me  
You tore me into pieces  
Of your vicious hunger  
The apocalypse incarnated in your eyes  
Embraced me when I fell to your arms  
Then tossed me aside like a doll  
To break on the floor  
The melancholy song of monotony  
Singing in my ears  
Happy and free  
Mocking me  
I hate you all  
So I just screamed  
That I didn't care to live or die  
That none of you meant anything to me  
Wanted nothing to do with you  
That I wished you'd all disappear  
Leave me to my own misery  
Stop hurting me  
No one could ever understand  
No one could ever care  
No one could love me anyway  
I saw what you where from the beginning  
Pushed me forward to the top . . .  
How foolish, this fragile faith  
Making me the image of my own ego  
Perfection in this glamorous lie  
Psychopathic hiding within  
Your perfect little boy  
Your beautiful little Angel  
You should have known  
Oh, you should have known  
What was right in front of you all along.  
I hate your fucking sympathy.  
I knew what I was  
My dreams and thoughts spilling across the pages  
Of white and deathly blank  
Scribbles of intensity  
Flowing wildly, screaming mercilessly  
That nothing was real  
All just one big lie  
Biting down to suppress it all  
I ravished in the blood  
Drank with greed and relish  
Drowning in the erotica of excruciating pleasure  
I hate this struggle for air.  
So I just screamed  
In that maniacal way you taught me so well  
The lifeblood dripping from my fingertips  
Crying at the desolation I'd created  
Cheering in a neurotic liberation front  
Myself at the head of the picket lines  
"Release the beast!"  
Crowing in the blood red dawn  
Over every last wasted redemption and prayer  
Seeing at last the ultimate truth of God . . .  
You saw what I was from the beginning  
I was your worst nightmare  
Incarnated in all your best wishes and dreams  
The ultimate Yin  
Truth in the mirror you pushed back in the closet  
You tried to choke it away  
Make me stop screaming  
And in your strength born my weakness  
Under your furtive grasp  
You saw me dying  
And howled like the wind  
I knew you never loved me  
Death became me  
I embraced it with arms tense and excruciated  
I craved this power of choice divine  
To destroy is like to be God  
To create is like to be God  
I am the destruction  
I am the creation  
I am an Angel  
I am the demon  
I am everything  
You fear and desire  
How can you be blind?  
Erasing myself  
From the face of the world  
Just so I can be free,  
To feel the breeze . . .  
So I screamed and screamed  
Because a scream was what I'd become  
Ringing one long melancholy song  
Forever and always in my ears  
Haunt me to the grave and back  
Drowning in the air  
Waiting to hit the bottom  
Praying one last flying prayer  
Falling . . .  
I erased myself  
To be with you  
Just to spend a single second  
In this sweet twisted madness  
Entangled, drowning in you  
You suffocating in me  
I want to spend forever  
In this heavenly hell  
I want to spend forever  
In this sweet hare kiri  
I want to spend forever  
In this martyr's death . . .  
So just scream  
Free the beast  
Finally in freefall  
Your worst nightmare  
Your saintliest daydream  
Your heavenly hell  
So just scream  
Enter the freefall  
To be one and all  
Suspended animation  
In holy constant with  
Me and you  
My love and my hate, my hate and my love . . .  
This is my hell  
This is my heaven  
This is your nightmare  
This is your dream  
So just scream . . .  
THE END 


End file.
